The Mandie Russell Guide To Singlehood


 

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“Mandie, why are you single? Like you’re so pretty and smart. And stuff.”

`I know. I know. This is obviously what you’re all thinking. I get asked this all the time.

Actually, I’ve never been asked this question in my life. But I definitely don’t know why. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that every white shirt I own has a chocolate and/or coffee stain on it or that I wear the same outfit at least three times in a week or that I think jokes like, “Are you a beaver? Cause dayummm,” are funny.

*cough* Anyway…

One of the things I’ve noticed in my online wanderings, if you will, is this weird extremism that surrounds singleness. Either a.) people take it too seriously or b.) people build it up to be this completely magical time of life where you do things like backpack through Europe, which really is magical if you have that kind of money as a twenty something, or c.) people make it into this social statement that you don’t need a man and  you’re too fabulous and blah, blah, blah. To be honest, it’s all annoying. And to be honest, most of us probably wouldn’t choose singleness over being with someone you care about…let’s be real.

That is why I have created a comprehensive list of all the reasons being single just isn’t that bad, but spoiler alert: it’s all based on reality. I promise. Because if we’re honest with ourselves, a solid 80% of being single looks a lot like that scene from Risky Business. Thank you, Tom Cruise.

1.To start things off, you really aren’t accountable to another human being. That can be a bad thing, but it’s also a good way to learn responsibility and see where you are as a human being. But if you’re spending over $100 dollars a month at Starbucks, maybe get a budgeting buddy. You can be budgies.

*Feel no obligation to laugh at that last one. I, for one, definitely didn’t spend the last 30 seconds laughing at my own joke. Ahem.

2. No one judges you for wearing a bandanna around the house like the Hulk Hogan impersonator  you certainly are not. Like at all. Okay, unless you blog about these things like an idiot.

3.  On Friday nights while most of the taken girls are dressing up and going out, you’re sitting on your couch in your underwear watching Fuller House. And Gilmore Girls. And Friends. And you’re not even sorry. (Not that I do that. Pfft.)

4.  You wanna join the Peace Corps? Do it. You wanna teach English in a foreign country? Do it, girrrrl. (Well, I mean…get that certification, girrrrl! You can’t just hop a plane.) You wanna walk the Pacific Crest Trail? Pack those bags! (Sidenote: Yes, this is on my bucket list. And yes, I need someone to go with me. I’m not Cheryl Strayed here and rattlesnakes are real.)

5.  Rock whatever look you want to. No shave November? Hah, that’s funny. Try no shave 2016. #overachievers

6.  I’m going to be real frank here: you don’t have to worry about his toe jam. And to all you ladies out there like, “Nahhh, that doesn’t happen!” I’ve seen your husbands and I already know it’s toe jam central.

7. You don’t have to worry that your SO is a Calvinist and that he’ll raise your children to believe that they have a 50/50 shot of getting into heaven. This is my fear.

8. You can take those pent-up feelings and give them out. Get a pet, volunteer, make something valuable. Like a bird feeder. Or a mug. For your mother.

9. You get to sit around with your sister and rate guys on tv guilt-free. Does it get much better than that? I think not.

10. If you want to stay under the delusion that love is a fairytale, you can do that too. Why the heck not? Stay innocent.

11. You don’t have to scour your social media to make sure there’s nothing embarrassing that doesn’t reflect who you are as a person currently. Unless you’re like me and all your statuses in 2008 revolved around fried chicken or something equally ridiculous, then by all means: delete those posts.

12. If you’re anything like me, the prospect of having to raise children is terrifying because I can’t even adult. I’m talking at a Sid-the-sloth-is-my-spirit-animal level. But none of that matters because you don’t have to worry about that and you have time to grow up a little more if you feel like you need to before all that happens.

13. You don’t have to worry about relatives treating you like an adult. Because they all pretty much figure you’re sitting in your underwear eating Oreos anyway or just trying to get the printer to work at your underpaid post-grad job.

14. No worrying about meeting his/her family. Put that social anxiety away and head to the beach for Christmas. It’s all good, bruh.

15. That concert you’ve been dying to go to landed on your six month anniversary? Won’t happen. Ever.

But I can’t promise it won’t happen with like meetings or your parents’ anniversary…you can’t win them all, kids.

16. As a single person, I guarantee your shower singing game will be on point. Can you master “When You Believe?” Maybe, maybe not. But it doesn’t matter because the only one hearing you belt it out is your shampoo bottle.

17. There is virtually no chance of having a surprise pregnancy. Unless you’ve got a 1980’s Three Men and a Baby situation going on and a baby lands on your doorstep. But hey, at least it’s not your baby!

18. Being single means you get to work on pretty awesome friendships with crazy, funny people. And it’s worth every minute of loneliness that being single will inevitably bring.

So. While singleness is about a lot of things, it’s mostly about forming great friendships and working on yourself before dragging some poor loser into your world. It’s great!

Story Time: The Water Park.


 

This is my seester, Abby. She’s fun and crazy in one convenient package. Available only between the hours of 7 am and 5:45 pm as the rest of the day she is in her bed. Unless that’s a weekend because in that case, why would you even try?

Before she was Abby the twentysomething with those forest-green eyes that tell stories for her, she was this full-faced chunker who believed her two older siblings a bit too much.

To say in the least, man.

[Note: No younger sisters were hurt in the making of this story. A little therapy and she’ll be fine. No, really.]

Like honestly…I don’t know why she still talks to us. Or admits we’re related. One little white lie and it could all go away, Abs. Just one.

Anyway, once upon a freaking time…

Anthony was a notoriously OCD little boy when it came to things like: cleaning his room, how tight his belt was worn, and when he took his afternoon poop. And if I’m correct, it was at 2:40 pm. At least in 5th grade.

As you can see, he’s spent plenty of time doing away with that reputation:

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…though ironically he’s eating beans here. Maybe it was getting close to 2:40. Idk.

Anyway, now you can find him at your local gym and/or hopping between Georgia and South Carolina and North Carolina…and New York, if we’re honest, blaring Beyoncé and doing some dance he thinks is funny.

I digress.

Mom was thrilled with his OCD tendencies because it proved to her that one of her children was going to be okay because at least they would have a clean house, their pants would never fall down, or she could at least depend on regular bowel movements.

I mean, what more could a mother of Russell children ask?

So Anthony was neat and tidy, but Abby and I on the other hand…were a bit on the messy side. And by messy, I mean that dust bunnies did the Macarena on our floor on a regular basis. Metaphorically speaking. So one day, Anthony decided to do something about our messy room at Abby’s expense and she’s had trust issues ever since.

Because really…the 8 year old is the obvious choice. I was stubborn and awful. Plus he knew I would sit on him.

“Abby,” he told her, “Mom just called and said that if you cleaned your room, she’d take us to the water park!”

Abby’s eyes lit up with excitement, “Really ?” she asked.

(…no, Abby. It’s March.)

“Yes,” Anthony told her, “But you have to clean up your room before she gets home!”

“Okay!” Abby rushed into our bedroom, threw on her green bathing suit, and I…*cough*…let it happen. Because you know…I was curious. And this was kind of funny. And Lord knew I wasn’t about to clean.

Probably twenty minutes later, Mom walked in to find Abby on hands and knees, gathering up all our clothes as quickly as she could and man, could she clean if she thought something fun would come of it. “What are you doing?” Mom asked carefully with the full knowledge that an 8 year old cleaning her room in a bathing suit was not normal, even in our household.

Abby was becoming skeptical, “Anthony said if I cleaned my room, you said we would go to the water park.”

“I didn’t say that,” all eyes were on Anthony as Abby’s eyes lit up with indignant fury.

“You tricked me!”

“But it got you to clean your room!”

And I can’t remember what happened next, but I’m sure it involved Abby stomping off and Mom telling Anthony not to lie to his little sister and to be kind.

Needless to say Abby hasn’t forgiven him for that one yet and yeah, we definitely owe that girl a trip to the water park. It’s on Anthony, Abs.